We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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