I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
