so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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