Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
