So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
