There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
