I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
