Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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