Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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