Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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