I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
