the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
