Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
