I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
