So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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