my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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