Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
