I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
wanna go halves on a baby?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
