i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
