I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.