It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
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Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records