Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
