i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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