When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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