he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's shark week go big or go home
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
