when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
