I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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