she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
