just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
