How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
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