the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
