She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
