I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
