I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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