worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
