i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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