i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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