My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
