Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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