I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
