I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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