I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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