(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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