I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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