Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
