I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
