My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
