I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
