Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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