The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
