The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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