I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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