I think scott just propositioned me for sex
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
