Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
