i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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