They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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