I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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