when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
