My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
