he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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